Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
