I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
