I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
