Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
