i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
