I wish I could teleport
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just gift wrapped bread.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Randomize
