Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
