yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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