You can't motorboat a personality
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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