you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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