guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
