she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Are my feet made of real feet?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
