Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
And then he peed in my hair
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