Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He passed out mid-signature
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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