Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
