as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
