i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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