I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
