hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
