just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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