I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
