**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
