i just wanna soil my oats bro
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
