he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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