i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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