i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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