remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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