Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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