Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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