and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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