please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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