CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
