dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
