I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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