My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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