Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
