obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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