Whod you bang
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i now understand why vodka
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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