hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
