dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
