I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
