where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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