apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
zippers are such a cool invention
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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