Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
