It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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