No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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