He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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