I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
