thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
