i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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