I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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