i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
