You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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